Dad Died

Dad died December 30th, 2019. He finally ends his eternal torture from Alzheimer's dementia and Capgras Impostor Syndrome. He died in his sleep from pneumonia. I'm both sad and glad; but I will miss him. He was my only caring and supportive family member in this life. I am not invited to his funeral by my remaining family. My asshole stepmother will, no doubt, have me removed from his will, which has been hidden. I had no support from these people during the 5-year decline, in which I helped take care of him. My asshole stepmother prevented me from joining local support groups because she didn't want me to wind up in her group. When I tried to talk to her about my feelings about dad's decline, she would scream at me and tell me to shut up. AA was similarly unsympathetic to my discussing this, calling it an "outside issue." I relapsed in late August 2019. It lasted 30 days. I managed to get to Portland, Oregon, where a friend lived and told me I could sleep on his couch. So I did. I was admitted to the suicide ward at Providence Portland Medical Center, whereupon I was transferred to CODA, Gresham, and then transported to another CODA in Tigard after 10 inmates threatened to beat my ass to death for an inappropriate joke. I will finish treatment in January, on the 15th, and then move to a sobriety house. 

I wonder often if Dad sees me struggling on Earth.

January 1st, 2020

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